16 : Stars


You shine so bright
Up in the sky
With everyone you love
But I seem to forever be
Always stuck in mud

I don’t ever want to be
The one to bring you down
I just want you around
Cuz you’re the most important piece
Of my galaxy

I’m not a black hole tornado
I’m just tied to a chain
Like an anchor to a boat
Hooked on the ocean floor

Although I’ve tried to let loose
The chains won’t let me go
But soon rust will set in
And I will be set free

An anchor I’ll no longer be
A sea star I’ll become
Sparkling like an amethyst
Roaming in the sea

Then you and I will swirl and twirl
Through the mirrors of the world
Where you will be a lustrous pearl
Way up in the sky
And I will be an amethyst
Swimming in the sea

And occasionally we’ll meet
Upon the horizon
Where our two worlds collide
We’ll be two stars on one line


Why I wrote Stars:


Written during yet another time of distress and duress as I continued to struggle through incredulous ongoing poverty and homelessness, Stars was written as an attempt to remind myself that the way I was being treated and the manner in which I was forced to live wouldn’t be permanent.

With your travels done, you returned to our hometown and settled into your own place. Once again, I thought to myself that perhaps we could re-establish some sort of mother daughter relationship, but the incredible levels of stress compounded from years of struggling to survive while barely getting by, eventually affected my personality and demeanor. My patience and tolerance were no longer a part of me. Who I was and how you knew me had been squashed, beat up, thrown around and I tossed it in a very deep corner of my being. I was no longer the mother you grew up to know.

As I write Becoming a Poem – struggles and hardship continue to increase and escalate, and although it seems endless and insurmountable, I continue to try to focus on positive memories while attempting to explain the whimsical poems I wrote for you based on the real love and bond we once shared, so long ago.


How I wrote Stars:


You shine so bright
Up in the sky
With everyone you love
But I seem to forever be
Always stuck in mud


The opening of the poem kicks off with the star theme and describes how happy you seemed to be whenever I would see you. Successful at your new job, you often told me about wonderful visits and getaways with your friends, and the addition of your bright and lively puppy seemed to be a natural progression to your ongoing relationship with your boyfriend. It brought great comfort for me to know that you were well on your way to a happy and successful life.

I, on the other hand, couldn’t seem to climb out of the mud hole I was sunk into and although I tried as best as I could to not let it affect my attitude and demeanor when we were together, unfortunately, that inevitably changed.

I don’t ever want to be
The one to bring you down
I just want you around
Cuz you’re the most important piece
Of my galaxy


Whenever I would see you or talk to you, I attempted to be lighthearted and spirited, but I couldn’t help to think how difficult it must be for a daughter to see her mother struggling the way I had been. I often thought I should entirely cease contact with you in order to alleviate being such a humiliating burden. My decision to not do so, in brief, stems from my belief that families should not be disconnected, separated, or torn apart.

Stars takes on a different perspective than most of the poems I wrote for you in the sense that it focuses more on myself as a mother and what I always wanted and desired for our relationship as mother and daughter – which is to be close to one another. Not only physically or geographically, but as well as in the sense of any meaningful relationship where openness, mutual respect, and accessibility to one another is natural and unhindered or restrained by outside forces or financially isolating ones.


More on how I wrote Stars:


I’m not a black hole tornado
I’m just tied to a chain
Like an anchor to a boat
Hooked on the ocean floor


Continuing to express the dire circumstances I was drowning in, I applied the universe’s dark matter, referred to as “a black hole tornado”. This is quickly brought back to earth by heading deep into the ocean. Introducing the anchor and chain theme was meant to indicate the weight of despair and isolation I felt while being continuously pulled further down into poverty and homelessness.

Although I’ve tried to let loose
The chains won’t let me go
But soon rust will set in
And I will be set free


With every day that passed, I continued to move beyond the incessant blows thrown at me. These blows of disrespect and disregard are referred to, in this poem, as “chains” to which I, the “anchor”, is unwillingly tied to. Although I often fought off the incessant blows, I sometimes chose to be despondent and ignored them for a temporary reprieve from having to constantly defend myself. This is where I referred to “rust” as being a natural irritant to destroy whatever it was that incessantly attempted to bring me down.

An anchor I’ll no longer be
A sea star I’ll become
Sparkling like an amethyst
Roaming in the sea


After a while of imagining myself as an inanimate chunk of metal (described as the anchor hooked on the ocean floor), I return to life in the form of an underwater creature and applied my birthstone to the sea star of this poem.

Then you and I will swirl and twirl
Through the mirrors of the world
Where you will be a lustrous pearl
Way up in the sky
And I will be an amethyst
Swimming in the sea


I referred to the sky and ocean as mirrors because of how they reflect what is upon them and surrounding them. Albeit linked through similar traits, they appear to be entirely different from one another – such as the lustrous pearl, your birthstone ascribed to the star in the sky, and the bright color of amethyst describing the sea star in the sea.

This stanza can also be interpreted as implying that no matter what environment someone is in, there’s always a way to shine through.

And occasionally we’ll meet
Upon the horizon
Where our two worlds collide
We’ll be two stars on one line


The closing of the poem was intended as a happy ending to yet another tale. Even though our lives and our mother daughter relationship isn’t a tale and has yet to be what it should be, I continue to look forward to better days when we might enjoy each other’s company without the limitations and deprivation brought on from being smothered in poverty and homelessness.


Drawing from the poem:


The drawing for Stars is an interpretation of the two stars referred to in the poem. They shine on either side of the horizon as though sitting on a teeter-totter pulled down by a heavy weight while being held up with love.

A romanticized version of my reality, no matter how dim or dark the story behind Stars might seem, when read on its own, I think it shines quite brightly.


Thank you for inspiring me to create Stars


Stars

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